Why the Term “Married Single Parent” Hurts Your Single Parent Friends
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This post has been weighing on my heart. Every time someone refers to themselves as “a single parent when…” or a “married single parent” I feel so unseen, so misunderstood.
I’m not one to focus on my “single parent” status, I tend to focus only on the “parent” part, maybe because being a single parent is the only form of parenting that I’ve ever known having left my daughter’s father while still pregnant, but if I can stop one more person from saying these hurtful words, this is worth saying.
Also, if I can help one person appreciate their partnership – despite it’s unique struggles – that will be worth it as well.
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There are two things that bother me about this saying:
It Casts Single Parenting in a Negative Light
Have you ever heard a “married single parent” use the term to describe their experience positively? I haven’t.
My life, like any parent’s, is filled with joy and struggles, but I would say it’s mostly joy. I feel blessed on a daily basis, and would describe myself as a loving, positive person. Just this weekend, I had a new friend (someone I’ve known for over 6 months) express total shock that I was a single parent. It’s just not the definitive label it’s made out to be.
Edited to include: Some readers have reached out to me and said that when they use the term, they don’t intend it negatively, which is great, but for me, it doesn’t negate the insensitivity of the comment or the other 8 points that follow.
It Ignores the Experience of Single Parents
Just like how I wouldn’t call myself a “mom of six children” because I run a daycare during the day, it’s just as ludicrous to equate single parenthood with flying solo for a little while. The act of parenting independently is in reality a very small aspect of single parenting.
There are unique struggles to both single and married parenthood. Often, those struggles are just parenthood. I don’t pretend to know or understand married struggles.
I have held my friends’ hands through awful marriage problems. To be honest, I would rather be single than have an unkind partner and be in something that feels loveless. My heart goes out to those of you who use this term because actually stating the reality of your situation is so much harder.
Now, those whose partners travel for work, I kind of get it. I was a military child, I so appreciate the struggle of having your partner be separated from you for long periods of time, potentially entering dangerous situations, and trying to raise children by yourself, children who may be developing an increasing awareness of their parent’s departures (and the underlying dangers) and acting out based on that.
I cannot imagine the reality of worrying about your spouse during those times, and experiencing those highs and lows of marital relationship and support. I couldn’t imagine knowing that the person you love and are building a life with is now in harm’s way.
But, that is something separate and different from being a single parent. Not better, not worse. Not easier, not harder. And it can be really hard trying to describe what that looks like — “military spouse” or “military parent” just doesn’t seem to convey the struggles accurately. I get that you are searching for a term that conveys to others what it is exactly that you experience, but in searching for understanding of your experience by using this term, you show just how much you misunderstand mine.
But, it’s not just military spouses that refer to themselves as “single parents” when they are not.
People now throw out the term casually to refer to when their partner is at work, or during sport seasons, or if their partner isn’t being as supportive as they feel they should.
I get that you might feel alone, and maybe that’s what you’re trying to say. Then say that. My single parenting experience might be solo, but it is not negative. Writing this post is a bit weird for me, because I feel like I’m accentuating the hard aspects, when really, I’m living it up and reveling in the beauty that is creating a life with my little girl.
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The following is to describe some of the unique struggles that many single parents experience. Some of these struggles are also shared by married single parents, but I saw this post as an opportunity to build some empathy for the unique situations that single parents face that many of us don’t usually discuss.
1. Lack of Partnership and Navigating Dating with a Child
There is something amazing that is possible within a romantic relationship: you can picture a future and work together to create it. You can build a loving and unique relationship with another adult. That is something so special, and it is something that single parents don’t experience, and live with the very real possibility that they may never experience it (again).
While many of us are open to meeting someone new, that becomes a whole lot harder with the restrictions of parenthood (could you imagine navigating your old dating life and a three year old?!), and we now have this added dimension to consider: is this new person good enough for my child? Is he ready or capable of loving my child like his own should we have more children together one day?
My last serious relationship ended because the man realized he wouldn’t be able to love my daughter as his own.
I’ve also had the very scary reality of men expressing interest in me – and also commenting on my daughter’s looks.
2. Shared Responsibilities
All of the things that help run a household don’t get cut in half when there’s only one parent. Garbage still needs to make it to the curb, the car still needs to get serviced, and the house needs to get cleaned. (OK, that might be a bit easier when there isn’t another adult to clean up after!)
It is usually the case that women bare the grunt of the housework – but even when it’s not equal, some help makes a difference.
3. Personal Time
Okay, so those whose partners’ are gone for lengthy periods of time completely understand this, but when you’re a single parent, you don’t often get a break unless someone reaches out.
Even nipping out after the kids are in bed, leaving your partner watching TV “keeping an ear out,” is something not possible for single parents. We are always the one that has to be available and on – unless we can hire someone to step in.
4. Navigating The Conversation With Your Child
For those with spouses who travel for work, you understand how tricky it can be to explain why your partner isn’t there, or why they are missing something, like a special occasion or achievement.
I have to explain to my child why her “father” is missing her life. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of explaining that a good man helped me become a mom, but he wasn’t ready to become a dad. I used to refer to myself as both her mommy and her daddy, but as she gets older she is increasingly upset about this person who chose not to be in her life.
Update: Already, school events have become difficult for her. Kids have asked her invasive questions about where her “dad” is – suggesting that he must be dead if she’s never met him.
5. Comparison and Competition
Connected to the above point, I am worried that I won’t be able to provide on the same level as my daughter’s friends’ parents, and that she will resent that or feel deprived. This is not just about the lower income potential of one person versus two, but is also about the manpower of two people.
You know those moments where your spouse does something special with the kids that you would have never thought of? Or those nights where you divide up the tasks so life actually works (even if it’s just one person stays in the house with the sleeping children while the other runs errands)? Please appreciate that.
6. Living on One Income in a Two Income World
Housing, childcare costs, and even something as simple as a hotel rental – the world is built for double adult occupancy and doing all of that on one income can be hard, and can involve compromises that you could not imagine.
Even if one parent doesn’t bring in an income, they are likely doing things at home that help reduce the need for that second income – alleviating the need for childcare, making homemade meals, etc. I always find it so ironic when people call themselves a single parent when their partner is absent for work — when I’m single parenting, no one else is taking care of our financial health. No one else is out there, supporting the family.
Also, despite having two incomes myself, when I went to buy a house and was approved on my income level alone – the bank changed several terms because of my marital status. Despite my pre-approval being based on my family’s finances, they reduced what I was approved for and also required a 25% downpayment (up from 10% when they thought my partner was just “absent” from these meetings).
7. Invasive Questions
Because I’ve been a single mom since I was 5 months pregnant, I’ve had a lot of invasive questions. People don’t often meet single moms of infants or toddlers, so very invasive questions were often asked during first meetings, some of them very rude and judgmental.
While I feel like the questions have lessened since my daughter is now 3 years old, they still happen. I don’t know why people think it’s okay to ask the finer details of my daughter’s conception, or expect me to disparage half of her parentage, or think that I want to discuss a long-ended relationship, but they do.
I also am often asked about finances – if I’m on social services, if I receive child support, etc.
8. Friendships
Not having another partner to tag out with, not having the potential for more children (until my status changes), and sometimes having additional (or different) work schedules can make it hard to find and make friends, or maintain those relationships in the same ways.
Some of my friends regularly host mother’s night outs or book club meetings after their kids go to bed, and I look forward to attending when my daughter is ready to have a babysitter take over.
Edited to add: we’re now old enough for a babysitter to take over, but a new problem has presented itself: driving a babysitter home at the end of the night means waking my daughter up and loading her in a car at a late hour. It feels incredibly selfish to interrupt her healthy sleep so I can go out, so my social life is confined to what I can host in my living room.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this list, and for letting me speak from my heart.
The fact is, as much as people can feel entitled to use any term they want – and hey, go right ahead – I wrote this post to explain why this term can be hurtful to single parents. I’ve had countless single parents reach out to me to thank me for this post – and people reach out to thank me for explaining why this term is hurtful because their single parent friend got upset after they used it.
I hope that if you are feeling single or lonely in your relationship, that maybe this can give you some bits to be appreciative of, or encourage you to seek change. I don’t want to diminish anyone else’s struggles, nor make it seem like single parenting is one big struggle — hello, unilateral decision making! — but I do want to encourage those who use this phrase to seek out a different term to describe their experience, because the fact is this term is negative and it ignores all of the different facets of single parenthood – it’s not just parenting solo. My friend who is a military spouse uses the term, “married, flying solo” which I love. It has a positive connotation and it still gets the point across.
PS – as of January 2021, I have disabled comments on this post. The amount of people who come here, scan the post without actually reading it, and then insult single parents and me, is disgusting and speaks to their entitlement. Go on and keep using the term, knowing that it can be hurtful and diminishing to the single parents in your circle. That’s your choice. I will miss getting the positive stories of friendships being reconciled or someone realizing that they were hurtful by using this term.
I think people might have an unrealistic image of their friends’ situations, which is why they might feel neglected even while married. Hearing how lucky we are from an outside perspective is such a valuable reminder of what we do have. And I agree that in conservative surroundings (I’m there too…) it’s so much tougher, as “traditional” family life is expected, although there’s no way that can be a given. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Menucha – nice to see a familiar face in here 😉
This is so well said and well-written. I’m married and have definitely heard other moms say this before. I never thought about the connotation until now. My husband is gone a LOT for work and I usually say just that “I’m alone a lot”. Single parents are true heroes in my eyes. I have a partner who does just about as much as I do and being a parent/running a household is still so hard. THanks so much for sharing this!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think it’s a blind spot, and I don’t think most people mean it negatively or even realize that single parents might find it hurtful, which is why I thought I’d give that insight 🙂
I was a Single Parent for a decade and now married w a small child. I recently began using the phrase bc most ASSUME my husband is an asset to parenting. He DOES NOTHING! 100% responsibility for everything is mine. EVERYTHING! I say “Married Single Parent” bc I am! Its my way of saying my struggles are more compounded now than ever. Please don’t make assumptions…you have no idea.
Hi Marissa,
I’m sorry if you read the post and felt I made assumptions. I tried my best to say multiple times that I don’t know every situation and have respect and empathy for anyone who is struggling in their relationship. The point of this post was not to condemn, judge, or complain — it was to let people know that this phrase can be hurtful when misused.
Thank you for clarifying your thoughts & intentions. Blessings to you & all parents in our unique journey in parenting! 🙂
Thank you for your kind comment, Marissa. God bless you.
I agree. My husbands gone 85-90% of the time and I have no support when sick etc and no me time while my sil who is a single parent has a very actively involved ex and they co parent plus she lives with her parents who do the majority of the housework and pay the majority of the bills. So I don’t think this post fits all families. I am more of a “single” parent than she is. I solo parent and I should be allowed to say that if I want.
You can say whatever you want – but hopefully if you fully read my article, you now know that it’s not supportive, not true, and insensitive to people who ACTUALLY do it on their own. This article is for people who didn’t mean their words to cause harm to others due to their lack of sensitivity and empathy for a lifestyle that they don’t truly understand.
Your sister-in-law’s experience is not the norm and I think you know that.
I’m assuming your husband is out working (and I did address that in the article), so you’ve chosen this division of work-family responsibilities. You chose to be the main caregiver. That’s different than having to do it ALL yourself, as most single parents do. Single parenting isn’t JUST being the sole parent, or sole person responsible for the household – it’s providing financially, doing the parenting/household stuff, and also knowing that there’s a good likelihood that you’ll end up single at the end of it, because you’re too busy doing the work of two people to meet a worthwhile partner.
I completely agree with you. Tag team??? Yeah right! Now I’m picking up after a big child and feel angry about it. This grandeous presumption that duties are shared and parenthood is easier when married is a myth. Honestly, I’d rather have the house to myself.
Hopefully you will have the house to yourself one day – he sounds HORRIBLE! How could you stay married to such a monster? Praying that you get yourself out of this terrible situation ASAP.
Seriously? you’re married and he does nothing for your child? Not even buy them things? Never once held your child or tucked the child in bed? I don’t think you’re a single parent.
My significant other hasn’t. It does happen. This article is ridiculous. I fell upon it because I was searching for advice on the subject and i come across an article that basically saying “you shouldn’t say that because other people have it harder” no. Everyone’s situation is different. This is stupid.
Thank you, Cheryl.
Unfortunately, this post seems to have attracted entitled people who are using the term to complain, rather than people who are willing to actually read the post and see that this term is inconsiderate and invalidating. Barely any of them actually read my post, they just come to vent in the comments.
M Czi – no where does it say “single parents have it harder” and that’s not the point of this post. You didn’t read it – maybe you skimmed it, but you weren’t actually ready to hear the other side so I don’t know why you even clicked.
What I find interesting is the number of parents that have part time custody of their children- either completely split, or weekends and holidays who refer to themselves as single parents. Yes, I realize they are parents, and they are single, but if their children have parental figures who are able to appropriately split the work, are they single parents? I get it if it’s mostly all them, or it’s like pulling teeth and you have to constantly worry about whether your previous partner is going to do something stupid while taking care of your children, but when it’s still fairly equal…? Or those who have a children and marry/ commit to a different partner as their children are growing up. They force their kids to call the other partner mom or dad, or at the very least their step mom or dad and yet still refer to themselves as single parents- while having a partner who has a very difficult job in walking that tight rope between appropriate or not and trying to help run the household and take care of any family they might have or develop…
It’s definitely not cut and dry, and I don’t want to draw divisions in the sand or diminish other people’s experience. But as a whole, it’s a wonderful thing to realize one’s privileges and advantages and be appreciative for any parenting support. My parents help out often on weekends, and I know that’s something many other single parents don’t have and I feel VERY lucky for that.
I’ve been in several situations. I’ve been a married parent, single parent, part-time parent (because of having to share the kids with my ex), and also a “married single parent”. I’m not going to get into a big debate over it because people will always have their own ideas and agree or disagree with what you say. All I’m going to say is that every situation I’ve been in has had difficulties in it’s own right. None has been any easier than any other, and I think comparing them really isn’t what should be done because each situation IS different and the issues that arise in each situation are my own, not of parenting per se. I love my kids and that’s really what matters at the end of the day. They are my world, no matter what my relationship status is and what it’s difficulties are.
Thanks for your comment, Jade. I so hope that my post isn’t taken as a comparison or “single parenting is more difficult” plea, as I stated – neither are harder, they’re just different.
My intent was just to give an awareness and appreciation for the scope of single parenting – many people don’t realize that it’s more than just doing the act of parenting solo, and I wanted to also make married parents aware that this term might have the potential to have their single parent friends feel misunderstood.
Jennifer, I am now a military wife and mother to seven wonderful children spanning all the age ranges, from 10 months to 16 years. I was a single mom to the oldest three prior to marrying my current wonderful hubby. We met when my oldest was 5, we spent the first two years doing everything together, then he joined the military. I was an army brat so I knew kind of what we were in for, he left for basic training and I stayed behind with no real income. If I was working it paid for daycare and not much else, so I have stayed home with my kids there whole lives. I know that in itself is a blessing, and I’m greatful for it. I often refer to myself as a married but single mom, due to his long work hours, trainings, deployments, and all those other military reasons to not be home., but also because when he is home his head is still thinking work. I love my hubby don’t get me wrong but I don’t feel that he is ever truly home with me and the kids. I know what it is to be a single mom, I know the struggle, however I also know that for some of us military and I’m sure other long hour not at home every night spouse jobs, we don’t feel that we have the support from our other halves, yes we have there paycheck but we don’t have them. That being said we feel single in the challenges that come with raising kids, appointments, bills, everything, and being social ya sometimes social is being online having a typed out chat with a friend or someone we met online. Time alone, what’s that? So yes while I understand that the saying married single parent can be offensive I feel that not all of us who say it mean it to be rude, it’s simply our way of expressing how we feel.
Hi Jessica,
Thanks for your comment, and for respectfully disagreeing 🙂 I completely understand WHY some people say it and for many of my friends it was a blind spot that this article opened up for them, and I appreciate that you have both perspectives — as stated in the last paragraph, I wish there was a lingo to express what it is that you experience that is more respectful of my experience, or that we were more comfortable as a society with being vulnerable so that military spouses could come out and say what it is that they ARE experiencing – which is lonely.
I still stand 100% behind this piece because most people really don’t realize how hyperbolic “married single parent” is; they truly didn’t have an understanding of the scope of single parenthood. I work an 65hr workweek (mostly from home) in order to afford my privilege of staying home with my daughter, yet I still feel incredibly blessed – but that difference alone highlights something to me.
I think there are more ways where our parenthood intersect, and the majority of my blog – no one would be able to tell that I’m a single parent, but this was something that was on my heart to say, thanks for taking the time to read it.
I really enjoyed reading this. Well Said! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Tearri! LOVE your blog.
I whole heartily agree! I was a single mother to 4 for almost 11 years. My youngest was adopted about 2 years before my ex and I separated and you can’t believe the rude things people said to me about that! And while being the only decision maker is ok for most things, there were so many things I wanted to run by someone else who knew and loved my children as I did (i.e.a spouse!)
I heard similar comments during my single parenthood and I wanted so badly to say- you really have no idea what being a single parent is about.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this. I hope many people see it. I am sharing on my personal and blog facebooks.
That’s very true. I like being the sole decision maker when I’m totally sure, but there are times when I’d love that equal second opinion. I have some really wonderful friends who are receptive, but yes, they’re not as invested and sometimes I feel like I’m asking too many questions LOL 🙂
Thank you for writing this! I especially love #6! Great article and on point, for sure.
Thanks, Koren!
THANK YOU.
You really captured the reality of life as a single parent. I love, adore and relish my 4 year old son- but it is different than what my married friends say. #6 and 8 really spoke to me.
Thank you, and I LOVE being a single mama, too 🙂 I hope our married friends read this and don’t see it as complaining, but just appreciate our differences.
I think that there are times that a married person can be a single parent. I fell like more of a single parent now that when I raised my daughter alone for 11 years. I never ever had the struggles I have now when I actually was a “single parent”. I also was very happy as a single parent. I’m very happy now as a mother to my 3 kids but not as a single “married”spouse. My spouse is completely selfishly uninvolved in every aspect of the hard parenting. Yes he works, but so do I. He does nothing. We have have MANY a horrible fight over this issue and he doesn’t change. It’s exhausting. It is not a partnership, and it adds extra burden to me. I was a lot less stressed as a “single parent”. I can understand why people would say they’re “married single parents”.
Thanks for your comment, J. I am so sorry to hear about what’s happening, and my heart really goes out to you. I completely understand and respect that each relationship can have it’s struggles — I’m a psychologist! LOL
I don’t want you to feel like you’re being judged in your situation; my post was meant to describe how single parenthood can be different, and why people who use the term “married single parent” casually may be unintentionally hurting those around them, or causing them to feel misunderstood.
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to understand why you use the term.
Thank you so much for this! I actually had to share this to my mother who lives 3 doors down from me, yet doesn’t lift a dinner to help me. I guess she went through a mid life crisis and had 2 more children at the age of 43. She’s married but never appreciates what she has, even being able to compare her situation to mine. She swears she has it harder than I do. But has never been there for me my whole life, so her behavior now isn’t surprising, but still heartbreaking all the same. She’s so selfish, if it doesn’t concern her she isn’t interested, even when it comes to her own children
Oh, Kristen, I can’t even tell you how much I resonate with your comment! 🙂
I hope it’s an awareness thing. Even writing the post, many people have criticized me for playing the victim or complaining when I’m really not – I’m describing our differences. It’s the one time in four years of single parenting where I’ve laid out the differences, and I think the response has been telling. It’s understandable why single parents like us can’t go around asking our family to see all of these things when we open ourselves up to judgement for being honest about our unique struggles or situations.
I hope your mother reads it and gets a little bit of it, enough to maybe appreciate what she has and what you experience.
**finger …… this article is exactly what she needed to see
Ha, I liked “lift a dinner!”
Totally on point. From one single mom to another. My fav reactions to someone hearing I was pregnant … “I didn’t know you were a lesbian” (FWIW. I’m not. It’s not a requirement for single moms.)
HA! My best was anything from “Did you tell him?” to “Was it a one-night stand?” to “Was he crazy?” UM, none of anyone’s business. (For the record, YES, NO, and I wouldn’t speak ill about my child’s father, even if he was… and he wasn’t. LOL)
Thank you for this article. As a single parent to a 2 1/2 yr old I have often felt exactly what you wrote about. It is so hurtful when people unknowingly say that they were “practically single” because their partners never chipped in. It’s completely different. No less challenging, but just different. In fact I don’t see a need to compare at all. One persons experience is better, or worse, easier, or harder, than anothers, just different. I thank you for giving me some of the words that I can use the next time someone does say this to me.
Thank you, Heather. I hope people read it as you did, I hope it contributes to a greater awareness of the scope of single parenting – that it’s not just the act of parenting solo for a while.
As for your daughter feeling deprived of not having a male role model – that CAN be easy to get around! I was a single mom as well and I wondered about having a male role model for my son to teach him to tough, strong, gentlemanly, etc. the guy stuff….
I read a book or an article about this and it said to ask some of your male friends to help out. They know you’re a single mom and most are happy to help! So I had a couple of friends and my dad that have assumed that “male role model” position. They would wrestle with him, or just play with him. Because guys play differently than girls. And I think that helped a lot! Because my son was beginning to ask about makeup and nail polish and that kind of stuff – I explained to him these are girls only things. So one day my dad heard him asking about nail polish and he immediately was like “what?!?! You wanna look like a girl?! You’re a boy…boys don’t wear polish or makeup!! We get dirty and sweat…we don’t need makeup or polish!” And I told him similar things tons of times but that ONE time from my dad sealed it! From that point on he’s always wrinkled his nose to girly things!
So if you have any good male friends – talk to them about it and I’m sure they’ll be glad to help!
Thanks so much for your wonderful comment, Morgan. G’s lucky that she has three overbearing uncles and two grandparents, and I love that they do all of the “typical guy” things that I either don’t think of, or just prefer not to do. (Fishing with worms – that’s a grandpa job. 🙂 )
This was so interesting to read and to read some of the comments.. I was married then divorced and feel single parenting is difficult .. but can. NOw see that in some circumstances like being a military wife it is difficult too. I live in an area that is not the norm I think.. not that people are ” happily married” because who knows.. but that the majority I would say 95 percent are married and that could even be a conservative number .. making it difficult for me and my kids I realize as they get older . It’s. Not the financial stuff I make a good living thankfully. ( albeit it has been difficult and remains so as a woman who had to play catch up when at home with kids.. and still being the mom who has to take off when kids are sick) but it’s not that.. and it’s not even the emotional when kids are having difficult times or hard decisions have to be made and there is no one to talk to but yourself.. and it’s not even the garbage that still needs to be taken out or the spider that has to be killed or when you yourself are so sick but still have to be on.. for me it is the ever increasing isolation which I thought just effected me but I realize now effects my kids.. while I watched everyone’s kids when my kids were younger saying this is great my kids have friends and I don’t mind the mess and the noise and anything.. it was the parents I should have been trying to make better friends with. The ones who didn’t want me as a friend because I was the third wheel or might be trying to steal their husband . So here I am kids in early teens basically friendless as the marrieds didn’t want me around or didn’t think of me .. and so are my kids because at this age now the parents make the rules and vacationed together for five or seven years and their kids have solid friendships because they had to and I am nowhere there and neither are my kids.. summers are brutal my kids have to go to camp or to grandparents because I work.. in my particular area .. I just sat down and thought about it and ran through all the kids and said omg .. these kids parents are either teachers.. summers off or stay at home moms .. there are literally no other moms like me.. so their kids get to build friendships all summer long and my kids.. nothing.. just wow.. this is the hardest part for me right now. It feels sad and hard and I quite frankly don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure for sure. I tried talking to their dad he brushed me off because it is my problem not my kids even though I said no one calls my kids to hang out.. no one ever.. all these kids I had over for years and years.. but we are not home in the summer.. no one calls my kids ever. And certainly vacationing together is out .. I’m still the third wheel.. I can only hope it ends up ok for my kids that I failed them.. better I was in a less affluent neighborhood where there were more people like me.. not here. Everyone is married and everywhere they love being married and talking about their wives and husbands .. and the vacations they just went on with several other families.. so yeah I get it the feeling like you are single but kinda not.. it’s brutal and maybe it does depend on the situation and where you live. I was so concerned my kids would hurt if I downgraded and kill myself to stay here in this community but here I am a Non entity and so are my kids. Just wanted to share this when I am feeling so at a loss.
Hi L,
I totally understand. We aren’t often invited for family get-togethers either because there isn’t someone “for the dad” and sadly, I agree – the families, the kids get closer to the other traditional families. But it has forced me to get out of my comfort zone and do more initiating, inviting moms for playdates or volunteering more with my daughter’s school (which is harder when you do have to work and be a sole provider). It is hard when you’re already exhausted from a week of doing everything yourself, but I don’t ever think it’s too late to start.
Your kids go to school with these kids – have them invite a couple over after work/camp one night. They might not be as close as the other kids, but I’m sure they have friends and they just need more opportunities to deepen those friendships. And what about the other kids at camp? Sounds like they might be in similar boats with working parents, maybe that’s a great place for them to make some connections?
Thank you for sharing your perspective. However, i am a self professed married single parent. Let me explain. … my husband works a “normal” job. He leaves for work about the same time i leave to take the kids to school. He could take them but chooses not to. I am the one who takes car of seeing that the vehicles are maintained, garbage is out by the curb and the lawn is mowed. He doesn’t help with household chores very rarely helps with our 3 children. I rarely get out of the house alone and when i do it is usually after I’ve put the kids to bed.
I need to stop before someone thinks I’m complaining. After all, my husband works so that i get to stay home all day….
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comment. I completely understand that not everyone has the picture-perfect relationship and I hope you didn’t feel misunderstood when reading this post. (And I know some people thought I was complaining, though that wasn’t my intent!)
I’m sorry that you don’t receive more support at home, I hope that changes, but good for you for doing what needs to get done – for yourself and for your kids. Rockstar.
Sarah, I completely understand how you feel. I am in a very similar situation. Just know, although our pain is silenced, we are not alone. I feel like other parents simply dismiss our cases regarding how disconnected our other parent can be in a household, even though they live under the same roof. They can be so distant to the point where it almost feels like you are co-parenting under the same house. It can also be more mentally damaging to a child with a family dynamic like that. I think it’s safe to assume that any angle of parenting can be super tough. For us “married single moms,” we need to come up with another term so the real “single moms” aren’t feeling like we are silencing their daily struggles…even though other moms are doing that to us.😊
Thank you for your perspective. I believe that if married mothers are saying they feel unsupported and like single married mothers then that is how they feel. Who are we to say what terminology they should use to describe where they are at? Relationships change with the birth of children and some of those mums maybe experiencing isolation, and violence which can express itself in a number of ways not just physically. Such isolation has the said effect. Married Single Mother
Hi Nadia,
Thanks for your comment. I agree – I am not about censorship or telling others how they should feel. But I do want “married single parents” to know that the term has the potential to unintentionally offend or hurt their single parent friends when used casually. I’ve had friends and acquaintances alike use the term with me, often to describe work trips or baseball season, and yes, it hurts to feel like your friend can just dismiss or diminish the scope of the single parenting experience to just “parenting solo for a while.”
I understand everything in this article, I understand why you are writing it. I did not know this was a term people casually used. I have used this term myself but, just to shed light on another perspective, when I used the term I actually fit into 7 of these 9 experiences, leaving out only the last one because I was not technically single and had not ever heard this phrase and invasive questions because looking in from the outside people thought my life should be wonderful and easy and couldn’t understand why I was having such a difficult time, which just made me feel bad. It WAS a negative experience for me, not the parenting aspect of it, that part in itself was great, but the fact that I was having to it all on my own and be lonely and have no rest even though I was married and thought I should have someone who at least told me I was doing good in their absence from time to time. In addition to the other 7 experiences, I also made my husband’s meals when he was home, cleaned up after him, ran his errends, filled out his job applications, and lived with my parents and lived in fear of my husband’s anger, hearing him put me down because of what I hadn’t done a good enough job on, and hearing my dad express his disappointment and irritation at the situation. In a tearful breakdown I used the term “married single parent” to explain all I was going through and how alone and completely exhausted I was. I then added “I am glad I am not a single parent because I have hope I can get out of this time and not have to do it forever or date someone in order to not have to do it. If I was single, though, at least I could make my own decisions without having to check with someone who really doesn’t care anyway.” Most people who experience what I went through are single parents soon after. In many ways I longed for being single for the freedom from disappointing my husband and doing what I thought was best without being questioned. I held on to my marriage because I was afraid of dating and worn out by doing things on my own. Three years later, things are still a struggle, but much improved and I would no longer use this term as I know I am no longer in that position.
In no way is this meant to argue a case, I also think using that term to mean “my spouse is not here right now” is ridiculous. I just simply wanted to share a different perspective, from someone who really was like a single parent in many aspects, even though they were legally married.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I truly don’t want to dictate how people view themselves, and I totally understand how other relationships can be harder than single parenthood — I am a psychologist! LOL. I am really sorry to hear about your experience and truly, my heart goes out to you.
I really hope people don’t read this as a “single parents have it harder” but more, understanding that if they call themselves a married single parent to a single parent they may unintentionally offend and cause a rift or hurt.
Wow there have been so many comments added since I commented!!!! Yes, I totally understand why you said what you said, in fact I think if I heard someone say it when obviously they are not I would be pretty annoyed myself after my experience. I know there are aspects of being a single parent I cannot understand (and I have no idea how you can afford a place to live and childcare!!! That was my hardest struggle and we did kind of sort of have 2 incomes!!!). I have a lot of respect for single moms, and that comes largely from what I experienced and the fact that there really is no rest. I did want to share my view because not all married women have the things you described. I’m glad being a single parent is not a negative experience for you. Parenting has it’s challenges, but it’s also one of the best things in the world!! Thank you for your kind response.
That honestly is one of the hardest things – making it all work. Daycare where I live is $56/day or more in a centre, and $35+ for home-based, and I live in a university town where housing is inflated. I now run a Montessori daycare/preschool out of my home and that has been such a blessing!
This blog is normally dedicated to kids’ activities and kids’ psychology, but this topic was weighing on me. 🙂
One more thing to add after reading some of the other comments… I am seeing there is a lot of “this is harder/this is easier” and though your article did not read that way and you have again clarified that, for those of us who have used that phrase and truly felt it rather than just tossing it around what we are describing is a very hard time. Now that I see this comment being made so frequently I apologize for making mine. I guess this is one of those things where I feel like I am the only one who experiences it even though clearly I’m not.
Thank you for your reflection, Laura. I want to invite people to speak honestly – the more we try to use these terms to (inadequately) describe what we’re going through (and possibly put people off unintentionally) the more difficult it can be to get to the reality of what we’re trying to say.
It’s easier to say “I feel like a married single parent” and allow someone to draw their own conclusions, than to say “I feel lonely and unappreciated in my relationship” or what have you, but as you’ve seen, that just causes two parties to be misunderstood. I really appreciate your time spent reading and commenting.
Thank you for writing this. It’s everything I’ve felt since my daughter was born 10 years ago, but haven’t been able to express in words. Being a truly single parent for 10 years has been hard, but worth the unconditional love and true joy I’ve gotten in return. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. People always seem to feel pity for me when they find out I’m a single mom with no husband or boyfriend and my daughter doesn’t have a dad. Thanks again and extremely well written!
Thank you! I have been a bit shocked by how many people feel this post is complaining, because I truly LOVE being a single mom. I have also experienced a lot of pity, judgment, and misunderstanding – so I felt the need to at least put one conversation out there to counter it!
I think the biggest thing for me now that I’m divorced (with an ex who is unemployed so there’s no money coming in from him and who doesn’t have his license so even if he has the kids I’m the one still running them around and who doesn’t spend much quality time with them when they are with him) is that there’s no moral support. At the end of the hard day/week/month/year there’s no one to hold. There’s no one to plan outings/trips with…yes I enjoy taking my kids places but sometimes it would be nice to have another adult with. When I’m pondering decisions there’s no one helping me make them who is fully vested in it, I have a group of amazing friends who give advice but at the end of the day my decision isn’t affecting their life so it’s different. I have no one to plan the future with. My marriage was far from perfect, hence the divorce, so I understand that married parents don’t have everything easy and cut and dry with everyone fully playing their roles, but this is the biggest difference for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Rebekah. I definitely don’t think married parents have it easier, I hope I conveyed that. But yes, as you describe, there are certain things that can get taken for granted or overlooked when there is just a lack of awareness. I hope one day to have those things, and I hope you re-experience them one day, too.
What a great article and perspective you gave so many of us moms! I have a spouse who has been traveling a ton for work and gives the the great, yet challenging reward of being an at home mom/wife with an at home business/hobby as well!! I have sadly and apologeticly referred to my feelings of struggle as a married single parent…I am so sorry…I had no idea of the negative I was putting on it by doing so!!! Only my niave way of expressing the current feelings of struggle…again, my deepest apologies and inmmediate correction!! Thank you for being so honest, real, open, brave and caring…as well as strong on your own!!! I hope more people around you step up and offer up help, not questions or hurtful comments!!! Happy Motherhood to all us mothers!!!
Thank you so much — and really, YES HAPPY MOTHERHOOD TO US ALL!!
I really like your response!!
😉 Thanks, Laura
Amazingly well said. I find that being in a relationship didn’t mean that you are any better set than if you were alone. I have been in every situation…single parent, dating parent, unmarried yet together parent, married parent, married yet doing it all myself parent. I think people can use any term they like to describe their “status”. I find it is much harder to have someone in the house that “could” help but didn’t…than knowing I am on my own. Everyone has their own struggles. Let’s just support each other as MOTHERS!
Thank you both for your comments and for taking the time to read my thoughts!
I didn’t intend for people to read this as “single parenting is harder” and I did try to explain that in the post. My point was how this term makes single parents feel; I’m hoping that the people who read this care that using this term can unintentionally hurt single parent friends, or make them feel misunderstood. I so do not think that marriage or partnership means you have it easier – in fact, there are many ways where it can be harder, as you so well point out.
The fact is, single parenting is more than parenting solo, and that is often what “married single parent” is used to describe: a short-term stint of being the sole acting parent, while still having a committed spouse who may or may not be active when they come back around. This term is thrown around so casually that I felt the need to say something and share some insight. I know many of my friends had no idea until reading this about some of the aspects I mentioned. It was meant to built awareness, not vent or diminish others. I hope you can see that.
Completely agree, I was a single mother for 7 years and am now married with a little one too. For the first 2 years of marriage he was unemployed so I was the sole breadwinner and did everything for my daughter and the house etc. Now with us both working and two children I still do everything. I always say to myself how much easier it was for me being a single mother than being married but living with all of the same duties and responsibilities as a single mother. I think that until you have experienced both sides you really can’t have a proper feel on what it is like to feel like a single married parent because I feel that way all the time. As a former single mother I can understand how it could be annoying because at that time I had no perspective of married life. We have no date nights because our expenses and bills have us tapped out and there is no time. The grass is always greener….. everyone is entitled to their own feelings and opinions. In my personal experience, living both the single parent life and married parent life has its challenges, unless you meet the most amazing perfect man in the world who doesn’t exist then there will be struggles and every mother will feel like a single married parent at one point in their life.
Thank you for your comment, Amanda. I definitely don’t think that one situation is inevitably easier. My intention was to give an idea as to what the scope of single parenting – SO many people don’t understand that it’s more than just “parenting solo for a short stint.”
I completely appreciate and respect that ALL of those issues can occur in a partnership.
My post’s intent was to encourage thoughtfulness in our words. I can’t describe how many people have casually described themselves as married single parents to me, and how misunderstood that leaves me.
You know ur struggles they know theirs, what a person decides to call themselves is up to them, My husband works away but I personally would never call myself a Married single parent because that would undermind my husband who is a great father. Like I said everyone has their own struggles with parenting and the household I won’t list you mine. There is things we all wish wouldnt be said…I personally dont apreciate it when on mother’s day people use the phrase Happy Mother’s Day especially to Single Mothers or the ones that are mom and dad….why is it that a single mother should have a happier mothers day than a married one?? Just putting that out there!
Karen, absolutely! The intention of this post wasn’t to list struggles – it was to explain that single parenting is more than just parenting solo and that the term can unintentionally hurt single parents when used casually in conversation, or to describe temporary arrangements.
I don’t think single moms like me need an extra shout-out on Mother’s Day, but I do appreciate when people acknowledge us or our children’s experience on Father’s Day. My daughter’s preschool was very insensitive about how “I wasn’t her daddy” and luckily she’s spunky enough that she told them, “she’s my mommy and my daddy.”
I would understand if someone used the term in a mocking way I would understand a little more but then again you would know they are doing it just to bother you and I understand that since you are a single parent it does get to you just like the Mother’s Day thing gets to me…and I am all for the acknowledgment on Father’s Day for the mothers who truly don’t have a good father in sight at all even if its part time, because then we open a whole new can of worms.
I think my issue is that it’s used so casually – during baseball season if the husband tunes out during games, or when husbands are on work trips. It’s said without awareness of the scope of single parenting, and it’s been said to me as a single parent, who lives the bigger reality of it every day, so it gets to be disrespectful.
Well, I can honestly say I am a married single parent.
Why? I married my estranged husband. We split up in 2990. I moved to my home state, Ohio. He remains in Florida. I have all the responsibilities of the two kids we have together. he has no contact with the. He has only seen them twice since 2009.
I live on my SSI disability check, after my husband shot and disabled me. I can’t afford to pay for a divorce. In my state it cost $2000 to get it started. Since, we have two kids together, a divorce is the only option in the state I live in.
So, yes, I can say I am a married single parent. Trust me, I wish I could drop the married part.
Oh my goodness, Sandy, I am so sorry to hear about that. My post was more directed to the parents who use it to describe baseball season or travelling partners – I think your situation deserves “married single parent” or something as unique as the situation warrants. I hope that everything can be settled in the future and you can continue to be an amazing mom to your kids.
This article brought tears to my eyes. I was a single mother for 9 years. They were the best 9 years but also with reflection they were hard. This article truly captures what it is to be a single parent and the frustration I felt when married/partnered women would refer to their life a married single parent.
Even though I say frustration it was never something I was angry about it was always something I just wish people would think about when they made that comment.
I am now a married parent to 2 beautiful children. Parenting is just as hard for married people. I have the ideal partner now who helps, is understanding, we support each other in the raising of our children (one mine and one ours) but that doesn’t remove the difficulty in raising children or the parent guilt and pressure we place on ourselves.
What resignates so strongly with me now is that the term “married single parent” is very negative but not intentional in its delivery. It is used to describe hard times, but with that statement I feel these parents are crying out for help too as they are not feeling the emotional and physical support they need.
So perhaps when labelling struggles in parenting, society should make it easier to say “parenting is hard” and “I need more support”
Thank you for your wonderful article and continue to enjoy your sole parenting experience.
Thank you, Bec, for such a thoughtful and kind comment. I am totally with you that parenting needs to be more supportive — this is the first time EVER on my blog that I’ve written about something that I have felt personally hurt by. I usually write positive parenting support for all parents from all walks of life – but this time, I needed to give awareness to the married parents while supporting the single parents.
I think married parenting is JUST as hard, and we both have struggles – I don’t want anyone to read this article and think that I think they must have it easy. There needs to be greater empathy and compassion all around; I think that’s why some people have co-opted this term, because they feel like they need to overstate their reality to really describe how it is that they feel. I get it.
I’ve been both. . A single parent and now u do refer to myself as a married – single parent as my husband us military and without a showdown of a doubt being a single married parent is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to experience before in my life!
Thanks for your comment, Shelby. I totally respect your sacrifices as a military wife 🙂
Thanks so much for writing this post. I’m one of those moms guilty of using this phrase. Before reading this insightful article, I thought it described my situation well – my husband travels out of state every week and is only home on the weekends.
Although I usually say I “feel” like a single parent during the week and I truly mean it with the utmost respect (how on earth do single moms of multiples juggle it all), I do realize that I get the emotional support of daily phone calls and the physical support during the weekend. Thanks so much for shedding some light from the other perspective.
Thanks for your kind and respectful comment, Pat. I completely respect and appreciate what you go through during those times, and couldn’t imagine the highs and lows of that!
I feel the need to chime in here. I am a newly single parent and I must say that after being in a marriage with an unavailable partner, my life is actually easier now. As you are asking “those married people who need to appreciate their situation despite its struggles” not to judge your experience, please do not judge theirs. Being in an unhappy marriage with children to care for is hell.
Hi Kel,
Thanks for commenting. MY post was not about those in unhappy marriages, but I did feel like I mentioned that I obviously have no point of reference and that I do not want to diminish other’s struggles. This post is not about “my struggles are bigger/worse/etc” – this post is about giving those who have no awareness of single parenting a bit of insight, and hopefully encouraging those who use this saying to describe a baseball-obsessed husband, or a travelling husband, from using that term in front of their single parent friends and unintentionally causing hurt.