How to Talk to Kids About Personal Boundaries With Adults They Know

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At a family gathering, someone opens their arms for a hug. Your child stays close to you, and
you can almost hear the familiar prompt: “Go on, give them a hug.” It’s an awkward moment,
especially when everyone is watching. But letting your child choose how to greet someone
sends a message worth repeating: their comfort matters.

A child’s world is full of familiar adults, from relatives and family friends to teachers, coaches,
and community leaders. Most of these relationships bring plenty of good things into their lives.
Still, knowing someone well doesn’t mean every interaction feels right. Kids need to understand
they can express discomfort, ask questions, and tell someone when an adult crosses a
boundary, even if it’s someone they’ve known for years.

Begin With the Little Things

Personal boundaries can be a tricky concept for young children. Instead of explaining everything
at once, start with things they experience every day, like holding hands, sharing personal space,
or deciding whether they want a hug.

Ask how they’d feel if someone kept tickling them after they’d asked them to stop. What if a
friend wanted to hold their hand, but they didn’t feel like it? These little examples give children a
chance to think about what feels okay to them and what doesn’t.

The lesson works both ways. If your child wants to hug a friend who’d rather wave hello, they
should respect that choice. You can show them how this works by asking before you hug them
and accepting their answer without making a fuss.

Kids pick up on these things quickly. When the adults around them respect their wishes, they
begin to understand that everyone’s personal space deserves the same consideration.

Let Them Say No, Even to Grown-Ups

We’re always reminding children to be polite, listen to grown-ups, and treat older people with
respect. Those are good habits, but they can leave kids wondering whether they’re allowed to
disagree with an adult.

Picture a family friend who insists on a hug or gets offended when your child pulls away. Your
child might feel pressured to go along with it rather than risk hurting someone’s feelings. Explain
that they can be respectful without accepting physical contact they don’t want.

Offering a wave or high-five instead of a hug is one simple way to support a child’s right to refuse unwanted hugs or touching. You can also practice a few phrases together, such as “I’d
rather not,” “Please stop,” or “Can I ask my parent first?”

Sometimes adults need to help with personal care, medical appointments, or other matters
involving health and safety. Even then, children deserve an explanation they can understand.
They should be able to ask questions and tell someone if anything worries them.

Familiar Adults Have to Respect Boundaries

It’s natural for children to trust people their families have known for years. Teachers, coaches,
religious leaders, and family friends may all become familiar faces in a child’s life. In Missouri,
for example, a child might see the same church volunteers every week and grow up knowing
them almost as well as relatives. That closeness can be reassuring, but it doesn’t mean every
interaction should go unquestioned.

In Illinois, concerns about trusted religious leaders have raised difficult questions for families
and church communities. A 2018 lawsuit included the abuse allegations tied to Fr. Louis
Schlangen in the Springfield diocese, which the diocese disputed.

For families in California, conversations about trusted adults might involve a longtime coach or
youth group leader. Whatever the setting, children shouldn’t feel they have to stay quiet about
something troubling simply because an adult is well known or respected. Their concerns
deserve to be heard, no matter who is involved.

Practice What to Say Before They Need It

It’s easy to tell children they can speak up, but finding the words when they’re nervous is
another matter. Practicing at home gives them a chance to try out different responses without
any pressure.

You can turn it into a little game. Pretend someone keeps getting too close during playtime or
won’t stop doing something your child dislikes. Ask what they might say. Let them come up with
a response before suggesting a few alternatives.

For younger kids, stuffed animals or dolls can make it more playful. Older children might prefer
talking through everyday examples involving teachers, coaches, or family friends. What would
they do if an adult made them uneasy or asked them to keep a secret that worried them?

Help your child think of a few safe adults they could turn to, including someone outside the
school, club, or organization involved. Remind them that it’s okay if they freeze, get confused, or
can’t find the words at the time. They can always tell someone afterward, and adults are
responsible for keeping them safe.

Make Room for the Harder Conversations

Sometimes children struggle to explain what’s bothering them. They might become unusually
quiet, avoid someone they used to enjoy spending time with, or suddenly lose interest in an
activity. These changes can have many causes, so pay attention without jumping to
conclusions.

You don’t always need a serious heart-to-heart to get children talking. Making time to talk about
their feelings while baking cookies, drawing pictures, or walking home from school can make it
easier to share what’s on their minds.

If your child says someone makes them uncomfortable, try not to brush it off with something
like, “But you’ve always liked that person.” Give them your attention and let them explain in their
own way. A gentle question such as “Can you tell me what happened?” is often more helpful
than a string of questions that leaves them feeling overwhelmed.

You won’t always know exactly what to say, and that’s okay. What matters is showing your child
that you’re listening and that they don’t need to hide difficult feelings to keep everyone else
happy.

When Your Child Tells You Something’s Wrong

It’s upsetting to hear that someone has made your child feel unsafe. You might feel angry,
frightened, or ready to confront the person involved. Try to keep those reactions from taking
over the conversation. Your child needs your attention more than they need to see how upset
you are.

Let them tell you what happened without interrupting. Thank them for coming to you, and make
it clear that they haven’t done anything wrong. Avoid leading questions or repeatedly asking
them to explain the same details. If they’re having trouble finding the words, give them time.
What you do next will depend on what they’ve shared. An adult might resolve a disagreement
about personal space by stepping in and setting clearer limits. Inappropriate touching, threats,
or suspected abuse require a more serious response. Make sure your child is safe from further
contact with the person involved and seek appropriate help from child protection professionals
or authorities.

Don’t dismiss what your child tells you because the adult has always seemed friendly or
trustworthy. A familiar face is never a good enough reason to ignore a child’s concerns.

Keep the Door Open as They Grow

The conversations you have with a preschooler won’t be the same ones you’ll have with a ten-
year-old. Younger children might need help explaining why they don’t want a hug, while older
kids may encounter unwanted attention, uncomfortable comments, or pressure from people they
look up to.

There’s no need to make every conversation feel like a lesson. Everyday moments give you
plenty of chances to listen, answer questions, and show respect for your child’s preferences. As
they grow, you can talk through new experiences and help them understand what healthy
interactions with other people look like.

Above all, remind your child that they can always come to you or another trusted adult, even
when they’re embarrassed, confused, or worried about getting someone in trouble. Knowing
they’ll be heard and taken seriously can make it much easier to ask for help when they need it.