Why the Term “Married Single Parent” Hurts Your Single Parent Friends
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This post has been weighing on my heart. Every time someone refers to themselves as “a single parent when…” or a “married single parent” I feel so unseen, so misunderstood.
I’m not one to focus on my “single parent” status, I tend to focus only on the “parent” part, maybe because being a single parent is the only form of parenting that I’ve ever known having left my daughter’s father while still pregnant, but if I can stop one more person from saying these hurtful words, this is worth saying.
Also, if I can help one person appreciate their partnership – despite it’s unique struggles – that will be worth it as well.
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There are two things that bother me about this saying:
It Casts Single Parenting in a Negative Light
Have you ever heard a “married single parent” use the term to describe their experience positively? I haven’t.
My life, like any parent’s, is filled with joy and struggles, but I would say it’s mostly joy. I feel blessed on a daily basis, and would describe myself as a loving, positive person. Just this weekend, I had a new friend (someone I’ve known for over 6 months) express total shock that I was a single parent. It’s just not the definitive label it’s made out to be.
Edited to include: Some readers have reached out to me and said that when they use the term, they don’t intend it negatively, which is great, but for me, it doesn’t negate the insensitivity of the comment or the other 8 points that follow.
It Ignores the Experience of Single Parents
Just like how I wouldn’t call myself a “mom of six children” because I run a daycare during the day, it’s just as ludicrous to equate single parenthood with flying solo for a little while. The act of parenting independently is in reality a very small aspect of single parenting.
There are unique struggles to both single and married parenthood. Often, those struggles are just parenthood. I don’t pretend to know or understand married struggles.
I have held my friends’ hands through awful marriage problems. To be honest, I would rather be single than have an unkind partner and be in something that feels loveless. My heart goes out to those of you who use this term because actually stating the reality of your situation is so much harder.
Now, those whose partners travel for work, I kind of get it. I was a military child, I so appreciate the struggle of having your partner be separated from you for long periods of time, potentially entering dangerous situations, and trying to raise children by yourself, children who may be developing an increasing awareness of their parent’s departures (and the underlying dangers) and acting out based on that.
I cannot imagine the reality of worrying about your spouse during those times, and experiencing those highs and lows of marital relationship and support. I couldn’t imagine knowing that the person you love and are building a life with is now in harm’s way.
But, that is something separate and different from being a single parent. Not better, not worse. Not easier, not harder. And it can be really hard trying to describe what that looks like — “military spouse” or “military parent” just doesn’t seem to convey the struggles accurately. I get that you are searching for a term that conveys to others what it is exactly that you experience, but in searching for understanding of your experience by using this term, you show just how much you misunderstand mine.
But, it’s not just military spouses that refer to themselves as “single parents” when they are not.
People now throw out the term casually to refer to when their partner is at work, or during sport seasons, or if their partner isn’t being as supportive as they feel they should.
I get that you might feel alone, and maybe that’s what you’re trying to say. Then say that. My single parenting experience might be solo, but it is not negative. Writing this post is a bit weird for me, because I feel like I’m accentuating the hard aspects, when really, I’m living it up and reveling in the beauty that is creating a life with my little girl.
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The following is to describe some of the unique struggles that many single parents experience. Some of these struggles are also shared by married single parents, but I saw this post as an opportunity to build some empathy for the unique situations that single parents face that many of us don’t usually discuss.
1. Lack of Partnership and Navigating Dating with a Child
There is something amazing that is possible within a romantic relationship: you can picture a future and work together to create it. You can build a loving and unique relationship with another adult. That is something so special, and it is something that single parents don’t experience, and live with the very real possibility that they may never experience it (again).
While many of us are open to meeting someone new, that becomes a whole lot harder with the restrictions of parenthood (could you imagine navigating your old dating life and a three year old?!), and we now have this added dimension to consider: is this new person good enough for my child? Is he ready or capable of loving my child like his own should we have more children together one day?
My last serious relationship ended because the man realized he wouldn’t be able to love my daughter as his own.
I’ve also had the very scary reality of men expressing interest in me – and also commenting on my daughter’s looks.
2. Shared Responsibilities
All of the things that help run a household don’t get cut in half when there’s only one parent. Garbage still needs to make it to the curb, the car still needs to get serviced, and the house needs to get cleaned. (OK, that might be a bit easier when there isn’t another adult to clean up after!)
It is usually the case that women bare the grunt of the housework – but even when it’s not equal, some help makes a difference.
3. Personal Time
Okay, so those whose partners’ are gone for lengthy periods of time completely understand this, but when you’re a single parent, you don’t often get a break unless someone reaches out.
Even nipping out after the kids are in bed, leaving your partner watching TV “keeping an ear out,” is something not possible for single parents. We are always the one that has to be available and on – unless we can hire someone to step in.
4. Navigating The Conversation With Your Child
For those with spouses who travel for work, you understand how tricky it can be to explain why your partner isn’t there, or why they are missing something, like a special occasion or achievement.
I have to explain to my child why her “father” is missing her life. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of explaining that a good man helped me become a mom, but he wasn’t ready to become a dad. I used to refer to myself as both her mommy and her daddy, but as she gets older she is increasingly upset about this person who chose not to be in her life.
Update: Already, school events have become difficult for her. Kids have asked her invasive questions about where her “dad” is – suggesting that he must be dead if she’s never met him.
5. Comparison and Competition
Connected to the above point, I am worried that I won’t be able to provide on the same level as my daughter’s friends’ parents, and that she will resent that or feel deprived. This is not just about the lower income potential of one person versus two, but is also about the manpower of two people.
You know those moments where your spouse does something special with the kids that you would have never thought of? Or those nights where you divide up the tasks so life actually works (even if it’s just one person stays in the house with the sleeping children while the other runs errands)? Please appreciate that.
6. Living on One Income in a Two Income World
Housing, childcare costs, and even something as simple as a hotel rental – the world is built for double adult occupancy and doing all of that on one income can be hard, and can involve compromises that you could not imagine.
Even if one parent doesn’t bring in an income, they are likely doing things at home that help reduce the need for that second income – alleviating the need for childcare, making homemade meals, etc. I always find it so ironic when people call themselves a single parent when their partner is absent for work — when I’m single parenting, no one else is taking care of our financial health. No one else is out there, supporting the family.
Also, despite having two incomes myself, when I went to buy a house and was approved on my income level alone – the bank changed several terms because of my marital status. Despite my pre-approval being based on my family’s finances, they reduced what I was approved for and also required a 25% downpayment (up from 10% when they thought my partner was just “absent” from these meetings).
7. Invasive Questions
Because I’ve been a single mom since I was 5 months pregnant, I’ve had a lot of invasive questions. People don’t often meet single moms of infants or toddlers, so very invasive questions were often asked during first meetings, some of them very rude and judgmental.
While I feel like the questions have lessened since my daughter is now 3 years old, they still happen. I don’t know why people think it’s okay to ask the finer details of my daughter’s conception, or expect me to disparage half of her parentage, or think that I want to discuss a long-ended relationship, but they do.
I also am often asked about finances – if I’m on social services, if I receive child support, etc.
8. Friendships
Not having another partner to tag out with, not having the potential for more children (until my status changes), and sometimes having additional (or different) work schedules can make it hard to find and make friends, or maintain those relationships in the same ways.
Some of my friends regularly host mother’s night outs or book club meetings after their kids go to bed, and I look forward to attending when my daughter is ready to have a babysitter take over.
Edited to add: we’re now old enough for a babysitter to take over, but a new problem has presented itself: driving a babysitter home at the end of the night means waking my daughter up and loading her in a car at a late hour. It feels incredibly selfish to interrupt her healthy sleep so I can go out, so my social life is confined to what I can host in my living room.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this list, and for letting me speak from my heart.
The fact is, as much as people can feel entitled to use any term they want – and hey, go right ahead – I wrote this post to explain why this term can be hurtful to single parents. I’ve had countless single parents reach out to me to thank me for this post – and people reach out to thank me for explaining why this term is hurtful because their single parent friend got upset after they used it.
I hope that if you are feeling single or lonely in your relationship, that maybe this can give you some bits to be appreciative of, or encourage you to seek change. I don’t want to diminish anyone else’s struggles, nor make it seem like single parenting is one big struggle — hello, unilateral decision making! — but I do want to encourage those who use this phrase to seek out a different term to describe their experience, because the fact is this term is negative and it ignores all of the different facets of single parenthood – it’s not just parenting solo. My friend who is a military spouse uses the term, “married, flying solo” which I love. It has a positive connotation and it still gets the point across.
PS – as of January 2021, I have disabled comments on this post. The amount of people who come here, scan the post without actually reading it, and then insult single parents and me, is disgusting and speaks to their entitlement. Go on and keep using the term, knowing that it can be hurtful and diminishing to the single parents in your circle. That’s your choice. I will miss getting the positive stories of friendships being reconciled or someone realizing that they were hurtful by using this term.
It saddens me that we, as women, still are not acknowledging the lack of support and having a companion in 2017. Yes I have a marriage certificate. I have been alone nearly my entire marriage. Average 300 days per year. From diapers to high school it was all me. I have 3 fiends, because no one wants the married party of One showing up at the party. I too am disabled and I can say YES I feel very single & married. I can not begin to count how many times I have Not gone to ER after a serious fall or injury because I had No One to watch my children let alone get a ride. My 12 year old called 911 when she awoke to me passing out and smaking my head on the tile. I have literally Fallen and can’t get up, happened last week. I have neurological disorders , autoimmune and I’m on Chemo. Being married isn’t automated happiness and financial stability. We are all unique and should strive to help each other and stop bickering over labels; which in the end never define our true selves.
I’m sorry for your struggles, but I don’t think you read my post or else you’d get that my point isn’t that having a partner is easier.
My point is that being a single parent is about more than parenting solo and it’s about more than finances, and using “married single parent” is insulting to those of us who actually ARE SINGLE PARENTS because it’s never meant to describe a positive situation or perspective.
Using the “label” of “married single parent” hurts many single parents and makes them feel misunderstood and unseen – I even wrote a whole post to explain the perspective and STILL several people just jump to the comments to state their misinformed interpretations based on a brief scan (and often, just a reaction to the title). You don’t even stop to hear us and hear our experience – so why equate yourself with us?
I’m kind of shocked by the negative reaction to this post. I didn’t feel the author was trying to say that married spouses never have a hard time. I really cringed at the attacks by some of the responders when the author was not attacking in her manner in her post. I understand that sometimes you can feel very alone in a relationship – I’ve been there. However, I, too, feel that those who are married or those in partnership should think about using this term – at the very least be sensitive to who hears you talking. I recently heard a woman who was upset about her husband having to go out of town for a few days complain to a recently widowed woman with a young child about how hard it was going to be for the couple of days when she would have to do it on her own. Now it may very well be hard for her but you can only imagine how the woman who was widowed felt. At the very least, know your audience.
Thank you, Kelly,
It has gotten to the point where if I get a notification that this post has a new comment, my stomach tightens. People just google the term now and leave a nasty comment – or they read what their friend wrote about the article when sharing it on FB and just respond angrily to me instead of talking to their friend.
I’ve considered unpublishing the article but then I think of comments like Andie’s above have encouraged me to leave it up because it can help friends realize their insensitive comments and repair relationships with the single moms in their lives that they hurt with this silly term.
I am a married single parent. I love my kid and the time I spend with them. I don’t view parenting as a negative but I am parenting on my own. My husband is gone Monday to Friday and home on weekends. I can count on one hand the times he got up with the kids in the middle of the night or the morning. I make all the decisions go to all the appointments and events. I am parenting on my own so yes I am a married single parent. I don’t say that to take away from single moms. I love everything about being a mom even when it kinda sucks and is really hard. Being a mom is the hardest job you will ever do regardless of your marital status.
OK well clearly you didn’t read my article at all because it does take away from us – and there are other terms you can use. Do what you want, but know that your refusal to have understanding for why this term is insensitive may hurt or isolate you from the people in your life who are TRUE single parents.
(And I had a woman say this in a group that I was in just last week – I grimaced but didn’t say anything and won’t; she has no idea that I felt that what she said was completely insensitive. People don’t always tell you when you cross a line.)
I feel like this needs to always stay published. There aren’t enough people exposing the struggles of being a single parent. I have sole custody of my children and their father has them every other weekend, just because of that I feel guilty calling myself a single parent. The difference it makes to have every other weekend of, in helping cope with the situation of having lost my family, is inmense and I take my hat off to women who don’t even have that.
I don’t take either side lightly. While I’d love child support or a weekend to spend with friends, run errands, maybe go on a date, have some me time – or frankly, clean the house and not worry about what chaos is happening in the other room as I do it! – I also don’t underestimate how hard it must be to create a peaceful and positive co-parenting relationship (if at all possible), and how hard it must be to have the limitations of a parent who is no longer your partner. (Travelling, moving, etc.)
I hope what people take from this post is to check our prejudices/pre-conceived notions of terms like “single parent” and to realize that every situation is multifaceted – including all these people who are feeling lonely or unsupported in their marriages. By truly hearing our friends and giving them the space to discuss their experiences without trying to diminish them or reading negativity into them, we can gain better understanding into their lives – and don’t we all just want to feel understood?
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this piece. It is one of the most frustrating and offensive things when someone tells me that they are “just like a single parent” because they have to do something with their children on their own. It’s in no way the same.
I shared this on all my social media. Thank you again for expressing this so eloquently.
Thank you for saying everything I felt. People don’t understand how hurtful that term is, but even seeing how people argue in the comments after reading all of your thoughts is disheartening.
I’m going to be honest, I did not read every comment so if I repeat something someone already said, I apologize.
Where I understand where you are so oh ng from I would like to offer my perspective on the topic. I often refer to myself as a “married single parent”. I dont think I have ever ment it negatively. A single parent, like you said, is someone one who doesnt have the extra set of hands, or the shoulder to cry on at the end of a long day, the person to lean to when you need 5 minutes alone, the “hey, can you stir this while I pee” person.
However, I have used the “married single parent” to provide perspective to someone else when they assume that just because I am married I have all those things.
I got married, had a plan for a family, had a baby as part of that plan. It was not unexpected, it was not bad timing… it was planned and on purpose. Now I am left to live a single parents life because the “married” part of my story turned out to not do anything but be my second child.
So I dont think the term is always used in a negative light. I simply have used it for perspective when my friends or family say “you always look tired” or “dont you get tired of not getting to go anywhere?”. My response is usually “I live the married single parent life, priorities are different for me”
Thank you for voicing your issue respectfully.
I still ascertain that simply saying “I’m not getting help”, “I’m doing it all myself” or “I’m not feeling supported” and other more honest, direct statements are always better than co-opting what it is that single parents go through.
Your children know their father, you may not get help, but it doesn’t sound loveless. Can you imagine having to navigate dating with a small child? Fearing that you won’t find someone who loves you both – or is possibly in it “for the wrong reasons?” Can you imagine the bank or school discrimination that I have experienced as a single parent? Because that’s my reality. It’s not a title I get to try on when I think it fits. The discrimination, the financial struggles, the fear of ending up alone – it is so much more than all of these things. Some people get turned away (or made to feel uncomfortable) at jobs, churches, etc.
I know your words mean to be kind and explain sstuff. I dont say I’m a married single parebt to be hurtful to single parent life. I was a single parent for a long time. Remarried and had a child. My every waking hour I am home is taking care of said child age 5 now. Father when he is home dont lift a finger. I am ready orbs divorce. If I am going to be treated ass a single parent than I may as well be. Some at that phrase because they gey no help from their so when they both made the decision to have a child. I clean I do laundry I work ful time I take out the trash. I have asked him many times and get igbored because his phone, movie, game, friendss are more important. He works too but has had yhe last two weeks off because machene malfunction at work. I been working and taking extra hours to make up for what ia lost and sstill have to do everything including getting our child ready for school. He forgets that this iss supposed to be a partnership. He is more like my live in babysitter. So when I say married single parent, I dont say it lightly. It means I bust my ass to do what I need to for my child. While my husband acts like he is 12. Technically I have two children in my home. One just happens to be an adult I am matried to. And to clear tho gs up about being a ssingle parent before.. I have two older children who are over 18 now and in college. I raised them from age 8 and 10 to adult by myself. I know single parent life. I just happen to married this time. I dont need prayers. I need therapy and to vent.
While I understand the need to vent, one of the points of this post is this:
–> Your desire to vent should not come at the cost of hurting those around you.
This term is hurtful and leaves actual single parents feeling misunderstood, unseen, and hurt.
I have all the sympathy that you thought married life would be different and your husband isn’t measuring up. I’d rather be single, too, than have a breadwinner that acts like a child and isn’t helping build a worthwhile relationship. In fact, I’ve loved single parenthood. Nothing about this post is supposed to indicate that it is worse than married life. However, the way you use the term suggests that it is something negative, and that’s the point.
At this point I can honestly say I’m a single parent in a two parent household . My boyfriend of 4 years & father of our two children hasn’t had a stable form of income the entire time we’ve been together. He’s addicted to video games and will stay up all night playing them and sleep all day (when the kids are awake and responsibilities need to get done) . Doesn’t cook, clean, do laundry, doesn’t try to look for a job. If the kids want to play he’ll get frustrated they’re interrupting his game. I go do grocery shopping alone usually with the kids. The sole breadwinner of the household, the only one who keeps track of bills, the one who makes sure there’s food in the fridge . For the first 1.5 years I would take out first born to my nanas so she can watch him while I worked. He stayed at home to play video games. I get home .. no interaction. He says I talk to much. Doesn’t remember anything I say. I feel so alone .. I have my own business I’ve been able to build up regardless of my circumstances and he doesn’t really care . I talk about my goals and dreams of being a homeowner, in one ear out the other … I’m so tired . I stay at home now and work from home since I wasn6 months pregnant with #2 .. so I’m pretty much a work from home mom of 3.
I disagree with you. When married people say they are a “single married mom” it is a feeling and it’s not to mean to other moms. I feel like that but I don’t say it out loud. My husband is disabled and refused to get disabled. And that being said I am the only one who is working, taking care of my daughter, and the housework. I don’t make enough and my husband never goes anywhere with us. He could do more around the house but won’t do it. I’m tired and I feel like I’m doing it on my own. He doesn’t help me emotionally or physically. I understand why it would make people mad tho.
It’s interesting that so many commenters here say that they don’t intend to use the term ‘married single mom’ negatively. However, they then go on to explain that they are using it to describe how they feel about all the negative aspects of their life. They are in fact using the term to convey something negative and it is, in fact, insensitive and hurtful to actual single moms (many of whom have wonderful lives).
Exactly! Thank you for pointing out this blind spot.
I also feel like when they go on to complain, they also unintentionally highlight ways we are so different. “He works 60 hours a week so I’m alone with the kids” – wait, there are 60 hours of income coming into your home that YOU didn’t have to earn yourself, and you get to enjoy your children during that time?! How many single moms could only dream of that? I have sympathy for the loneliness and the overwhelm, but the negative labeling and comparing help no one.
Wow.. this is a horrible thing to say to people! How inconsiderate to those who are in a shitty marriage AND being forced to raise the children. It should in no way be hurtful to a single parent for someone to call themselves a “married single parent”. It’s a very real thing to be a “married single parent”, in fact it’s MUCH harder than being a single parent in MANY ways. Not only do we raise our children alone, but a married single parent also has to raise an extremely selfish adult child called a “spouse”. Single parents don’t have to deal with the abuse and neglect that comes along with being a “married single parent”. Think about that next time you try to shut people up, all because what they describe themselves as may offend you? Its offensive that your actually telling people to stop calling themselves “married single parents”. Do you as a single parent endure some selfish ass adult sitting on your couch verbally abusing you, neglecting everything, destroying the house like a pig, and making you raise his fucking kids while he just sits around burping and farting and not giving a literal fuck about anything? No, you raise your children without all that headache.. so please dont pick on “married single parents”, we are real people, we have feelings too, and we do & sacrifice far more than most parents would. So you can take your single parent attitudes and shove it up your arses* MARRIED SINGLE PARENTS ARE REAL,
GET OVER IT*
Sincerely,
An offended married single parent
Hi Yukine,
I’m going to assume you spent more time writing this comment than you did reading my post. Your vitriolic comment doesn’t deserve a response – no part of my post contains hate or judgment. It explains how single parenthood is different (the GOOD and the unseen) and serves to encourage people to be more thoughtful when using this term. However, your own righteous indignation didn’t allow you to read past the headline – you decided what this post was about without opening your heart and mind.
When I wrote this post 5 years ago, I made sure to clarify that lonely or negative partnerships are something separate. There is no need to co-opt a term and make single parenting seem NEGATIVE, which this term conveys. What you are is in an unhappy marriage, lonely, and pissed off. You have every right to be – and you have every ability to change your reality, for yourself and your children.
If you choose to change your circumstances, you will find a wonderful community of single mothers who are willing to hold you up and support you. I will be the first one to send you budgeting tips, encouragement, or lend an ear.
I hope 2020 brings you what you are looking for, but leaving hateful comments on blog posts that have repaired friendships and made one of society’s most judged groups of women feel seen and heart is not the way to do that.
This article bothers me because i feel like you are trying to invalidate other people experience. In the article you listed out the difficulties of single parents and keep giving off the vibe that says ‘single parent’ term only belongs to those that is not married, period. You liken the term ‘single parent’ to ‘married single parents’ when it is not. These two terms highlights TWO different situations. ‘Single parent’ is when you parent a child solo/alone. ‘Married single parent’ is when you have a spouse but for reasons you are still parenting a child solo/alone. Each situation has its own joy and struggles and it doesnt matter which situation has it harder to be more deserving of the title ‘single’. Single still means you are solo/alone married or not. So dont tell people to stop using the term ‘married single parent’ just because they have a spouse because it makes them feel invalidate of their hardship. At the end of the day, everyone just wants acknowledgement and understanding from others. It does not matter what term they use.
The whole point is that it DOES matter what term they use. People are going to be stubborn and entitled to this term no matter how many good points or emphasizing I give. I put a post out into the world that let people know that this phrase offends and hurts REAL single parents because it invalidates and overlooks their real experience, and also frames single parenthood in a negative light.
If someone wants to continue using that term – that’s their choice, but they are also choosing that now knowing that it may cause hurt and offence to their ACTUAL single parent friends. (And it’s not “unintentional” hurt anymore, because you’ve been informed why this may be hurtful – and have chosen that your entitlement to the term is more important.)
Do you select single on forms at the bank? Do you select single when filling out a social media profile? If the answer is no, then you are not a single parent. You may be unsupported or lonely – in which case, why not speak to the REAL issue rather than use this offensive term?
This whole article is just a “nice” way to say single moms have it worse off than married single moms and that’s not true. Married mom’s have to deal with the dad everyday while single mom’s only have to deal with them during time aloud by the court. Also single moms get alot of help from social services to help with costs. To say single moms trump married single moms is a completely selfish thing to say especially if you’ve never been in that situation. In my experience being a married single mom is much harder because you have someone you hope to help and their not there is heartbreaking where as a single mom expects the father won’t help so she doesn’t think anything of it. It’s definitely more heartbreaking and stressful being a married single mom…and yes it’s a real thing!!
No, it’s really not. The post is about understanding that single motherhood is MORE than feeling like you’re doing it alone – it has it’s own unique stresses and situations that are not bigger or lesser than co-parenting/couplehood.
It’s INSANELY presumptious of you to say that “single moms get help from social services” – do you not see how you are stereotyping single moms in your statement? We’re not all low income, on social services, etc. This type of stereotyping is not helpful. Also the statement that a single mom wouldn’t hope for help – in my experience, the single moms attempting to co-parent with an ex (which not all of us are) who aren’t helpful, have their hearts broken regularly, watching their children be disappointed and hurt time and time again.
I spoke to many married couples while writing and editing this piece – from military spouses, to women whose husbands travel and work shift work. I have incredible empathy for all types of situations and I even speak to them in these piece. This was an attempt to shed some light on how this term is unkind, dismissive and stereotyping.